I experienced Baby Blues Syndrome after the birth of my precious baby boy.

*A Bit Facts About Baby Blues*
Baby Blues is a postpartum syndrome. It is a kind of depression that 50% women experienced after giving birth. It starts from first day after giving birth, get worst on the third day which last until approximately 14th days. It can be caused by mother's hormonal changing, psychological, physical and social condition. The mother experienced sadness, anger, anxiety, guilt, despair, secrecy, helplessness etc. This syndrome can be relieve by partner and other closed family member supports.

*My Baby Blues Version*
The symptoms were only showing while I'm alone. I felt so alone, lonely, sad, unlovable, somehow so redundant. I cried most of time when I'm alone. I also cried while holding my baby boy. It didn't mean I wasn't happy with the existence of my baby. So hard to explain the uncontrollable sadness I felt at that time. I kept all the feeling by my self.

Unfortunatelly, I only knew a bit about Baby Blues Syndrome by the reading. I didn't aware at that time that I experienced the syndrome badly. The biggest factor which made my Baby Blues was that bad was due to the lackness supports from people around me, especially partner (because I didn't have one at least beside me when I needed him the most).

The important thing is I did get over it. The busyness taking care of my baby made me aside the Baby Blues. Luckily, I didn't feel the symptom like Brooke Shields did (the fact that she felt had no bonding at all with her baby). I felt this special relation between me and my baby due to the fact that he only got me (no partner, remember?!). As written in the previous blog (Welcome Aboard Baby), I stayed with my baby at the hotel. Just the both of us. I take care all his needs. That was the biggest effort for me to get rid of the Baby Blues Syndrome.

My baby boy was born around 4.30pm at 8 November 2002 in Graha Medika Hospital (now; Siloam Hospital), helped by dr. Julianto, by caesarian.

*My 9 Months Story*
Overall, the pregnancy going well. Nyokap gue mau gue ditangani ama dokter yang bagus, jadi dipilihlah dr.Julianto (terakhir gue tau dia sempet jadi direktur di RS. Harapan Kita). Gue rutin visit ke dokter. Dari hasil USG everything's fine. Gue bener-bener mohon ama Allah supaya anak gue sehat ga kurang satu apapun (due to the fact that my boyfriend had me to take medicine that can caused pregnant failure). Gue ngerasa bodoh & berdosa banget karena dengan begonya ngikuti kemauan cowok gue.Gue nyesel banget ama tindakan bodoh gue. Seharusnya gue sadar, ini bayi gue dan ini tubuh gue jadi ga ada satu manusiapun yang berhak maksa gue kalo seandainya gue ga mau utak-atik kehamilan gue.
----"ATTENTION----: always follow what your heart say. Never ever agree to do anykind of way that can caused abortion. Some people maybe agree that abortion can be done due to 'some fact' but God who got the right to take anybody life. Every little creature has the right to life so do the baby. I made sins and I don't wanna add more for being a killer"

Back to the baby,
pada kehamilan kurang lebih 6 bulan keliatan dari hasil USG kalo bayi gue cowok. Basically, cowok ato cewek gue tetep bersyukur ama Allah, yang penting bayi gue sehat. Dari kehamilan 4 bulan, bayi gue aktif banget. Dia bergerak muter-muter (cari posisi wenak kali) trus perut gue ditendang-tedang (serasa maen bola anak gue). Kata dokter sih kehamilan 4 bulan belum kerasa gerakannya tapi gue beneran ngerasain kok (dokternya cowok kali jadi cuma tau teori text book doank, cowok kan ga bisa hamil hehehe).

*My Psychology Condition*
Beside the joy that my baby bring, deep inside, there's part of me who still crying all the time. Di depan orang lain, gue mati-matian berusaha keliatan biasa-biasa aja. Gue aja nahan diri untuk ga minta macem-macem, kan orang hamil biasanya ngidam. Gue berusaha tau diri, kalo gue pengen sesuatu yah gue diem aja. Gue ga mau nambah nyusahin sodara tempat gue tinggal. Gue sering miris kalo mikir "enak yah orang lain, hamil bisa ngidam aneh-aneh tapi tetep diturutin ama suaminya."
Emang udah jadi 'defense mechanism' gue untuk selalu keliatan cool. Tapi kalo lagi sendirian, berasa banget kayaknya gue orang paling sedih & merana sedunia. Pelarian gue sih berusaha ngubungi cowok gue diem-diem (at that time I'm not sane enough to realize that he such a bastard).

Ternyata kondisi kejiwaan gue yang labil ini membawa efek ga baik buat kesehatan gue. Pada kehamilan 7 bulan, gue rawat inap di RS sekitar 2 mingguan. Gue mesti bedrest karena terjadi kontraksi intens jadi perlu dikasi obat lewat infus, kalo ga bisa-bisa bayi gue lahir prematur. Selama di RS gue ditungguin ama bokap & nyokap. Gue jadi tambah nyesel udah ngecewain mereka. Mereka ngorbanin waktu mereka padahal gue tau banget mereka sibuk banget terutama bokap gue yang punya kedudukan di pemerintahan. Dia aja ga pernah ngambil cuti buat liburan (kerja kerja kerja dan kerja itu motto bokap) tapi demi gue anak yang udah ngecewain dia (hamil luar nikah gitu critana) dia rela tidur di sofa bed RS jagain gue. Nyokap gue juga mesti ninggalin kesibukan dia & sementara ninggalin adik2 gue (secara keluarga gue sebenarnya tinggal di luar kota). Intinya, dengan caranya sendiri Allah ngasi tau ke gue untuk tabah demi bayi & keluarga gue secara mereka orang-orang yang tulus sayang ma gue.

Back to the story,
pulang dari RS gue diminta untuk menghindari stress & kecapean. Semua berjalan dengan baik hingga saatnya gue melahirkan pada jadwal operasi yang udah diatur jauh hari (dari kehamilan 7 bulan). Keputusan operasi caesar diambil mengingat kondisi kejiwaan gue yang labil, dr. Julianto setuju atas permintaan gue untuk ngelahirin dengan operasi caesar aja. Jujur gue ngaku ama semua orang gue takut ngelahirin. Terserah seh orang mikir apa, tapi gue sendiri yang tau kapasitas diri gue.

*The Day My Baby Born*
Sesuai jadwal operasi, gue dateng ke RS ditemenin ama bokap, nyokap & sodara-sodara tempat gue tinggal (om+istri, adik sepupu & kakak sepupu gue+suami+anaknya yang udah baik banget nganterin gue rutin visit ke dokter) bahkan ada kakak sepupu gue yang khusus dateng ke jakarta buat nemenin gue ngelahirin. Rame banget (I really thankfull for their support).
Gue inget banget waktu itu awal bulan puasa. Gue ngarepin berkahnya bulan Ramadhan yaitu operasi yang lancar terutama untuk anak gue lahir sehat jasmani & rohani.
Gue udah standby di RS dari jam 10am. Gue istirahat dulu di kamar perawatan. Ortu gue ngambil kamar VVIP yang nyaman banget n gede biar bisa nampung keluarga gue yang rame. Pas lagi ngobrol-ngobrol tau-tau kakak sepupu gue bilang kalo cowok gue dateng ke RS (emang gue pernah kasih tau dia dimana dan kapan jadwal operasi, gue bilang terserah dia mau dateng apa engga). Keluarga gue jadi kasak-kusuk terutama bokap gue. Bokap gue spontan emosi. Nyokap gue nyoba buat open minded, tapi bokap gue mutusin untuk beli tiket pesawat saat itu juga dan balik ke rumah gue (other town) karena dia ga mau ketemu ama cowok gue. Yah gitu deh akhirnya dapet tiket pesawat dan langsung berangkat pulang.

Operasinya sih berjalan lancar. Paling lama sejaman semua udah selesai. Gue bersyukur banget ama Allah SWT karena secara keseluruhan bayi cowok gue lahir dengan sehat (berat 2,5 kg, panjang 47 cm). Gue baru bisa liat bayi gue pagi sehari kemudian. Cowok gue udah balik ke kota tempat dia kuliah tadi malem saat gue masi setengah sadar efek bius.
Gue dan bayi dirawat di RS sekitar 2 mingguan. Sebenarnya seminggu udah boleh pulang, walaupun bayi gue sempet dirawat intensif di inkubator karena ternyata paru-parunya belum berkembang dengan sempurna (kayaknya terlalu cepat dilahirkan) dan kadar bilirubin yang tinggi. Gue jadi lama di RS karena nyokap lagi mikirin dimana gue bakal tinggal ama bayi gue. Nyokap gue ga mau nyusahin sodara gue lagi.

Akhirnya gue ama bayi gue tinggal di hotel. Only 4 stars hotel but at the president room jadi kamar gue kayak service apartmen gitu, ada dua king size bed, guest room, small kitchen etc. Gue tinggal berdua aja ama bayi gue. Seminggu pertama nyokap nemenin gue sembari ngajarin cara ngerawat bayi, setelahnya dia mesti balik ke rumah (other town). Awalnya gue (keluarga gue yang lain juga) ragu apa bisa gue yang 17 tahun & such spoiled brat ngurusin orok gitu. Ternyata gue bisa !!! See, everybody can be a mom because God created a woman naturally to be a mom !!! Pertamanya gue juga risih breastfeeding tapi after couple days, it seems a natural thing to do. Gue bisa ngelonin bayi gue. I comfort him when he cry. I take him to bed with singing softly (secara biasanya gue suka lagu rock). Gue bisa ganti popok & diaper bayi sendiri. Gue juga bisa mandiin bayi gue. Gue nyuci baju bayi gue with my own hand (baju gue sih dicuciin laudry hotel). Kalo makan, gue tinggal telefon restoran hotel aja. Ovarall, gue kayak lagi holiday berdua ama bayi gue.
What a memory...The lessons I never forget...hard at first but so precious after...I feel so alive...so meaningfull...I never feel so needed by somebody just like my baby need me

It's still fresh in my memory when I celebrated my 17th birthday!!! Stars hotel, birthday cake, live band performance, food and drink everywhere, lots of guest, bunch of gifts, I even gave souvenir for my party guests. I feel so teenager !!!

"Me 2 Months After the Party"
Still a teenager, going 18th and pregnant.

"Me 7 Months After the Party"
After I came out with the fact I'm pregnant to my family, I feel so realesed! The decision had been made. I'm keeping the baby. Hoorrraaayyyyy !!! A bunch of thanks for my family, especially for my mom !!! Tapi ada satu peraturan penting; gue ga boleh berhubungan lagi ama cowok gue dengan cara apapun. Untuk ketemuan kayaknya ga mungkin, secara gue ga boleh pergi sendirian and he lives in different town. By phone juga susah karena gue ga boleh pegang hp lagi. And You know what? Gue diungsiin ke rumah sodara gue, out of town off course! Sebelumnya gue sempet ketemu ama dia waktu dia dateng ke rumah sodara gue untuk nyelesein semua. Solusi yang diambil nikah dibawah tangan saat itu juga. Kalo bukan karena Tuhan & status si bayi, kayaknya keluarga gue ga bakal rela gue nikah ama dia. Well, whatever happen, let it happen...

"Miracle"
The first time I seen my baby (USG), I felt like I'm gonna cried. Rasanya ga bisa gue ungkapin deh. It feels like a miracle!!! A life growing inside me!!! I never felt so needed by somebody before like my baby need me to keep survive. At this point, I decide to be tougher. Gue harus tabah demi anak gue.

"The Fact About My Feeling"
I'm not that tough! Gue nangis tiap malem. I feel so alone and lonely. I drown in the depression (the pregnancy hormones fluctuation make it worst). I never tought that I had to faced this kind of situation by my self. I supposed to be a happy mom to be with the couple by my side. But in reality, he's not there. Stupid me, I denied the fact that he such a coward. Ngumpet2 gue masih komunikasi ama dia by phone. I tought he want to know about the baby. I told him every little things that happen; the first baby moves, the USG result, everything!!! I tought he's happy as I am. Well, let say I am stupidly deniable because when I think again this time, he such a fake bastard.

"My Pregnancy"
My pregnancy is kind a shock therapy not only me but also my family. But still it's a precious moment in my life. I never forget the feeling when my baby moving around inside my womb. The excitement when I attended the gynecolog routine visit. I even amazed with my roller coaster mood changes.

"What a Moment"
This experience change me somehow. Something added to my life. New things that I found really interesting. I always love babies & kids. Well, I'm gonna get mine soon. It doesn't matter if I cannot be normal like other teenager. I knew that I'm special somehow. Whatever judgement people address to pregnant teenager like me, I don't care. What I did maybe a mistake, but not my baby. My baby is the most right thing in my life.

I never tought it happened to me; get pregnant at 17 years old and haven't finish high school. What a mess !!!

"My First Tought"
Denial...denial...denial...
ga mungkin gue hamil.
Why me?!?
Gue kan baru 17 tahun. SMA aja gue belum tamat. Gimana nasib gue kalo beneran gue hamil. Bokap n nyokap gue pasti ngamuk. Gue udah bikin malu keluarga gue. Gue pasti diusir dari rumah. Apa kata orang anaknya si "some public figure" hamil di luar nikah. Mampus gue mampus !!!

"My Feeling"
I'm scared to death. Gue bener-bener ga bisa mbayangin reaksi ortu gue. Gue yakin mereka bakal marah besar n ngusir gue. Gimana nasib gue? Gimana nasib bayi yang ada di perut gue? Deep in my heart, I start to love the baby on my womb.

"My Boyfriend Reaction"
He rejected the baby but still want me. Dia bilang ga mungkin untuk nerusin kehamilan dengan kondisi dia n gue yang masi sekolah. Gue udah ga bisa mikir apa-apa lagi. Gue kecewa ama dia. Selama 3 tahun pacaran, gue pikir gue udah kenal banget ama dia. Gue pikir dia bakal ngorbanin apa aja demi gue seperti apa yang udah gue korbanin buat dia. I feel so powerless at that time. All I know, I can't handle the situation by my self. Just like a dummy, I follow all his commands. He took me to places where the abortion can be done. He paid all the costs. But God shows the miracle. God listen to my silent pray. God keep the baby safe still on my womb.

"The Complicated Situation"
Gue lewatin EBTANAS SMA gue dengan baik. Usia kandungan gue sekitar dua bulan saat itu. What Next ?! Rencananya gue n cowok gue bakal nerusin kuliah di luar kota bareng. Then we figure out the next move there. Tapi ortu gue punya rencana lain. Sebenernya itu bukan 100% rencana mereka. Ortu gue cuma pengen wujudin cita-cita gue kuliah di luar negeri. Situasi bener-bener kacau buat gue. Kuliah di luar negeri ada pemeriksaan kesehatan sebagai syarat bikin visa. Otomatis ketauan donk kalo gue hamil.

"The Messy Moment"
Gue udah pasrah. Semua berjalan ga sesuai dengan rencana gue, tapi lebih ke rencana Allah. Selama pengurusan kuliah gue, kehamilan gue makin gede. Keluarga gue curiga. Kehamilan gue terungkap pada usia 4 bulan. Gue mual kalo inget kejadiannya. What a mess situation. The yelling, screaming, sobbing, crying.......
In fact, I am alone at that time. Ga ada cowok gue yang gue pikir bisa jadi pelindung gue. Dia ada di kota lain. Malah kayaknya disaat gue lagi abis-abisan, dia mungkin lagi asik ama temen n keluarganya. What an irony...

"My Family Support"
Ga pernah gue bayangin. Gue pikir gue bakal dibuang ama keluarga gue. Tapi ternyata gue salah banget mikir seperti itu. Keluarga  gue malah ngerangkul gue. Sayang gue telat nyadar kalo ternyata keluarga gue sayang ama gue. Jujur, selama ini gue ngerasa jauh ama keluarga gue. Gue mikir ortu gue lebih sayang ama sodara-sodara gue yang lain karena mereka ga rebbel seperti gue. Gue juga baru nyadar, keluarga gue udah sabar banget ngadepin gue yang moody (due to my depression). My family are my number one supporter !!!